Funny Humor for Friday VIIII

Letters to a Pastor . . .

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Age 11, Anderson.

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly,Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

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Signs Your Pastor Is Watching To Many Westerns. . .

* His sermon on Revelation is titled "Showdown at High Noon."
* At the end of the service, he replaces altar call with "roundup."
* Refers to the Deacons Meetings as "a campfire chat."
* Keeps referring to "brothers" as Hoss and Little Joe.
* Walks into the pulpit with a hearty, "Hi-Yo Silver"
* Always refers to his Bible as "My Six-Shooter."
*Forces ushers to tie bandanas around their faces and pass around ten-gallon cowboy hats instead of offering plates.
* When performing a wedding, he begins the ceremony with, "Howdy Pardners."
* Constantly threatens to preach well past "High Noon."
* He insists on being addressed as "Reverend Duke."
* Refers to the next churchwide fellowship dinner as "gathering around the chuckwagon."
* His new three-week sermon series: "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."
* Asks for the song "Rawhide" to be sung as a call to worship.
* He keeps mumbling two words: "Holy Chaps!"

Courtesy of crosswalk.com

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"Clean Christian Comedy" - Kerri Pomarolli

Kerri Pomarolli
www.kerripom.com

When you think your family is embarrassing- she's got you beat!

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"Chick-fil-A" - Tim Hawkins

What do you get when you cross a Christian comedian
and Chick-fil-A?
A very funny song!

Tim Hawkins - Christian comedian.
Chick-fil-A - Truett Cathy, Christian founder and President.

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Humor: Rizzle for the Sizzle?

Translation: Jesus is the REASON for the SEASON

Courtesy of failblog.org

All I can say is, "Oh My Goodness!"

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Funny Humor for Friday VIII

"Just One of Those Days!"

"BULLETIN BLOOPERS AND BLUNDERS"
(A compilation of actual Church Bulletin and Service bloopers)

* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's use the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

My personal favorite:

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

If you would like to read all of them, then go to: http://www.angelfire.com/ca4/HumorHotline/bbloopers.html

Rumor has it, church seats are complaining about being cold and lonely. Respond to them by caressing one with your tush and show them you care. Church is this Sunday!

Have a great weekend!

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Funny Humor for Friday VII

What's in the Bible?

Pastor: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Attender: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Pastor: You do? Please tell me.
Attender: OK. Notes I wrote to my wife to figure out lunch, a ticket from the dry cleaners, my business cards, and a Pizza coupon.

(That's pretty sad, actually)
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The Ten Commandments

A student in sunday school was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.
He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
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The Fall

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.

One of the boys asked, "What's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

(This is only humor - not pointing fingers) =P
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Signs You Are in a Bad Church

* Karaoke Worship Time.
* The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
* No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
* The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
* The church bus has iron bars on the windows.
* The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.
* There's an ATM in the lobby.


Have a great Friday!
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Funny Humor for Friday VI

Dead Lawyer

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.' "
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Atheist Teacher

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because, I'm not an atheist.

"Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly."What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Lucy paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist!"
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BOSS

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch."That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot."That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"


SMILE, GOD LOVES YOU!

Have a great weekend!

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Funny Humor for Friday V

Dedicated to my good friend who loves Post-its!

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Dollar Bill

There were two old dollar bills. One was a $100 dollar bill and the other was a $1 dollar bill. The $100 dollar bill said, "I've lived a good life. I've been to the amusement park, the theater, the zoo and baseball games."

"Wow," said the $1 dollar bill. "You sure have had a good life."

"Where have you been?" asked the $100 dollar bill.

"Oh, I've been to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Lutheran church and an Episcopal church."

The $100 bill said, "What's a church?"

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Christian One Liners

Prayer
God answers Knee-Mail.

The Boss
Under the same management for over 2000 years.

Insomnia Cure
If you can't sleep, try counting your blessings.

Nutrition
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

Yummy
Try our Sundays. They're better than Baskin-Robbin's.

Cosmetic Surgery
Come in and have your faith lifted.

Seating Arrangements
Where will you be seated in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?

Tithing
Give God what's right -- not what's left.

Which Way?
Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

Two Ears
Since God gave us two ears and one mouth, He must have wanted us to do twice as much listening as talking.

Stand
If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.

Anger
The person who angers you, controls you!

Flying
If God is your Copilot - you're in the wrong seat!

Unconditional Love
Yes, God loves us all, but He favors "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

Forbidden Fruit
A forbidden fruit will create many jams.

Greatness
You can tell how great a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

Best Formula
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. (Love it!)

Problems
The problem ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

Peace
Peace starts with a smile.

Benefits
Working for God does not pay much, but His retirement plan is out of this world.

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I hope this puts a smile on your face and a chuckle in your belly!

Have a wonderful weekend.

A reminder: Church is this Sunday =)

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Funny Humor for Friday IV

13 WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR CO-WORKERS

13. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
12. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
11. Never make eye contact.
10. Never brake eye contact.
9. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. (Da-na-na-na-na...)
8. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
7. Seran wrap toilet seats. . .
6. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
5. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
4. Drum on every available surface.
3. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying Lysol on everything they touch.
2. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

1. Be festive. Tie jingle bells to your shoes, belt and Santa's hat.
* Bonus: As you're walking past cubicles hum the song, "Jingle Bells".


HAPPY FRIDAY! Have a great weekend!

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Funny Humor for Friday III

THE MAN SHOULD MAKE THE COFFEE?

A young married couple got up early one morning. The husband asked his wife to make some coffee. Reluctant and tired, she said "Sure".

When the coffee was ready, she poured her husband a nice cup of joe. The husband said, "Wow, I could really get used to you making me coffee every morning."

Irritated, his wife said, "I would like to, but the Bible specifically says YOU are to make the coffee for ME every morning. It's a rule and it's good to follow God's commands."

Her husband laughed and challenged her biblical insight, saying, "If you can open the Bible and show me where it says the MAN needs to make the coffee, I will make coffee every morning for you for the next 40 years of marriage."

With a big, peculiar smile on her face, she opened the Bible to the New Testament, "See, it says in big, bold letters 'HE- BREWS' !"
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AN APPLE A DAY

In kindergarten, two boys were sitting outside eating their lunch.

The one boy bites into his apple, stares at it for a moment, then says to his friend,
"Do you know what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"

The friend replies, "No, what?"

Answering, "Finding HALF a worm in your apple!"
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WHERE IS GOD?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"
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Nothing like good laughter for the belly =)

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Funny Humor for Friday II

IT'S IN THE BIBLE

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
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KIDS SAY THE DARN'DEST THINGS

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."
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I am qualified to share this joke because I was raised Baptist =oP

SHOW AND TELL

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.

The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."

The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."

The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
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Meet someone new in church on Sunday!

Have a great weekend!

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Funny Humor For Friday

THINGS A PASTOR NEVER HEARS IN CHURCH
* Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
* I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
* I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
* Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
* I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
* Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
* Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
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A FEW WORDS
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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YOU KNOW YOUR A MOM WHEN:
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicle become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny.
12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.

Have a Great Weekend!

Just a reminder: Church is on Sunday =0)

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"Things Mama Taught Me" - Humor

"THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME" - Author Unknown

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......LOGIC
"If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......ESP
"Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you.Don't talk back to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HUMOR
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HOW TO BE AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......SEX
"How do you think you got here?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......GENETICS
"You are just like your father."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY......ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......THE WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until your father gets home."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home."


AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING......JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like."


What's so funny about this, it must be universal. I have heard many of these statements from my mom while growing up!

Have a great day in the Lord!

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COFFEE LOVERS

I love my cup of joe. Give me basic cream and sugar and I am a happy man! I do enjoy an occasional Cafe Mocha or Iced coffee. Well, to all those heavy coffee drinkers- Here are 10 Signs that you are a Coffee-Addict!

10. You jog 20 miles on your treadmill before realizing it's not turned on.

9. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

8. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".

7. You can type 60 words per minute. . . with your feet!

6. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

5. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

4. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

3. You don't sweat, you percolate.

2. All your kids are named "Joe".

The #1 Sign you are a Coffee-Addict:

1. You answer the door before people knock.


May this bring a smile to your face!

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